The Swimmer

I come from a family of swimmers so as soon as I could walk it was: “Give him the Speedo, he's doing it.”

No time for wading slowly, you think there's time for slow wading?

You have to dive son! Dive!

Let that water rush up your nose, get really deep and philosophical,

and then break the surface with a chlorinated belch. That's how it's done!

Now son look at Sandy. Look how Sandy's doing it.

nice flutter-kick Sandy! Way to go Sandy!

Academic Achievement Award for Sandy!

Successful lemonade business for Sandy!

Blow jobs for Sandy!

I always loathed Sandy because she too came from a family

of swimmers, but, she was really good.

I was always the little buoy of swim class.

Rotund and ever-floating all you needed to do was look for

the sonar blip with love handles and you found me,

but Sandy, she was like an underwater Gazelle!

She had grace and speed but an antelope without predators is like an

armadillo without a shell and when she'd shed her modesty

at the front door all I wanted to do was roll her into a Lion's den.

So one especially boring day I concocted a scheme,

a “naturally selective” scenario that would weed out the wicked

and slap Sandy in her little swimming cap.

I'd do a stunt so stupendously stupid it would demand some swift population control,

turning me from the deep-sea blip I was to a deep-sea Rhinoceros in one dazzling display.

I called it the “Rambi Flip” and it was ready to pounce, and when it did

it roared like a Lion, sprinted full stride, bared it's fangs, and was merciless.

It was truly a sight to behold.

One of those acts of violence that elicits a response from even the most seasoned tour guides

as they try to console the bystanders.

“It's all part of nature children,”

“It's the natural order of things.”

“The perpetual give and take, some might call it.”

I think some would disagree but since then I doubt

The diving board has ever seen such a display of visceral carnage as

when my banana hammocked carcass veered off course and

landed right on Sandy mouth agape, eyes widened,

bracing herself for the rhino's charge.