Trucking

When you're trucking, you never add an apostrophe in front of your "S".
I mean I never have at least, but it could be funny.

"Dan Savage: Lawn Repair"
could read more like
"Dan's Savage Lawn Repair"

And "Mike Stump's Grinding Garage?"
That's the funniest thing I've ever heard of.

When you're trucking, though, you never think of the apostrophe in front of your "S".
All I think about is the open road, coffee, and the stars.

Nature Guide

When your slamming down a back trail
on a crispy-crackling morning,
you have to take in all your surroundings,
you have to become one with the nature.

So let's start by
taking a deep breath,
good,
give me a "sharp inhale,"
good, that's good,
now your going to start
smelling something powerful;
you smell that?
That's the smell of raw nature.

So come on,
nothing to it now
but to do it proud
and loud...in a crowd...
nature crowd.

You feel the dirt?
That's real dirt.
You hear those birds?
Those are real birds!

Now let's take a swim.
What I want you to do,
is kiss the bottom
of this murky filthy scummy lake and come back
up all leech-ridden and glistening.
Cause you know what you'll be glistening in right?
Nature that's what! Good, that's good.

Now let's take a hike!
I want you to take these
wolf cubs I just found,
and climb that
mountain unscathed.
Then once you get to the top
I want you to bathe in the mountain
waters, because you're smelling pretty bad already.
Good, yeah that's good.

Now let's eat a north american beaver!
Yeah, that's right,
let's do it!

Come on, let's go!
Let's climb those trees with a spear in our hands,
because unless I'm mistaken, I don't think
it's quite north-american beaver
season yet, but it could be.

It definitely could be.

Ham Salad

My breath smells like ham salad
and I haven't even eaten ham salad.

I have ham salad for lunch, sure,
who doesn't? But it's 6:30 A.M.

You know who likes ham salad?
Everyone.
You know who likes smelling ham salad?
Nobody. It's gross.
It looks like brains, but it smells stupid,
like those smells you take the trash
out with.

Bad associations smell like ham salad,
ham salad wafts through nightmares
like guys with daggers.
Ham salad is the stuff Tim Curry
sold the movie "It" with
when he was promoting
"It" back when "It" was popular.

"Buy "It" on Lazer Disc,
get some free ham salad,"
that's what he said;

Ham Salad.

The Oldest Banana

Hey! It's snack time!
My father bequeaths unto me a banana.

"Dad, what's this?"
He doesn't say anything.

"Look inward towards yourself son,"
he says with just a glare.

It had been in his briefcase
for nearly 4.5 months.

Motorcycle Dreams

If I get a motorcycle I want it all. I want the fastest, most sexy, rocking-abs-in-your-face-crotch-cannon on the market. You can't just half-dip your toe in the motorcycle swimming pool, you gotta dive!

If I get a motorcycle I want to weave in and out of traffic, I want to duck through red lights and zoom past stop signs without stopping because, let's face it, you can't just act careful on a motorcycle. That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

If I get a motorcycle I want to be real cool. I want long hair, a cool jacket, one of those spiked helmets, and a babe on the back hanging on to all my sweet biker gear. I also want two other babes, on side cars, complimenting the babe that's directly behind me - I want a tri-wing babe army!

Wow, that sounds cool.

If I get a motorcycle I want to be the king, but if I get a motorcycle I feel like I'm going to die. Really quickly.

So that's why, If I get a motorcycle, I'm going to need at least 3 big dudes at my funeral to take a stand and say, "Ian was pretty rad." Otherwise it won't be worth it.

My Last Olives

I came home late from work,
my roommate came home early.

I was feeling lackadaisical
my roommate was looking rather surly.

I asked him what was up,
I said, "Why do you look so cross?"

He was standing by the fridge,
So I asked, "Are we out applesauce?"

He said, "Hey bro, did you eat my olives?"
"I won't be mad, just tell me the truth."

I said okay, "I ate your olives."
So he punched me...
in the throat.

Meeting Lukk

I met Lukk
two years ago
in Oslow,
at a bus stop.

He had a patched jacket,
wool pants, bad breath,
and he was eating an
English muffin.

I asked him,
just by happenstance,
if he had a quarter for a
vending machine-fruit pie.

He said he did, and
as I grabbed the change
from his pleasant hand
he said, "Praise Jah, may duh fullness
of his entirety bring yahs to Babylon,"
which I thought was a little weird
at the time.

I then proceeded to walk over to
the coffee machine, totally distracted
by this Norwegian Jamaican man's generosity,
placed a quarter in and pressed the
"dispense coffee now" button.
I did actually want a fruit-pie, not coffee,
but as luck would have it, the coffee
machine was broken anyway.
.
Unaware that the Xpresso Deluxe
had been taken out of order for spewing hot drink
into patrons' faces, and
still musing over this mans amazing mixed
ancestry, I received my scalding coffee to the face.

Lukk just turned around and said,
"Sheeet."