Explaining "The Band"

Oh my goodness,
what was that?

That, my friend,
was A Noxious Burst.

A Noxious Burst?
What's that?
Are we okay?
Are we going to die?

No, I'm afraid not.

Then what, what do
we do?

Well, it's like I said,
what you just heard was
A Noxious Burst.

A Noxious Burst?

Yes, A Noxious Burst.

Some say it closely resembles
a slimy explosion
of noise;
some sludgy experiment of
indie-phonics and grime.

Will I be okay though?
I feel loose.
Mostly
in my bowels
and nose area.

You might have cancer,
you might have a gangrenous limb
but, again, I'm not sure
if that's necessarily
because of what you heard.

You made some bad life choices...

Then what should I do?

What should you do?

Yeah, should I leave?
Find help?
Apply a band-aid?

No, just buy tickets.

Tickets?

Yeah!
Our first show's next week,
and you clearly enjoyed
what you heard.

Being Vigorous

Whenever I'd come home from school, 

fourth-graded and shy,

chubby and disheartened,

walking slowly to my bedroom.

My dad would always say, 

"Son, you need some vigor!"

"Get on a bike! Move around!"

And when that didn't work,

he'd say,

"I'll bribe you."

So growing up, I learned to hate

being vigorous. 

I'd slop around the house with the consistency

of soup.

I'd gloop to the bus stop in the morning

like sludge on the bottom of trash.

I'd stoop around town in my mothers

mini-van, demanding she take me 

to some trading card game tournament 

or to some dumpster

full of pizza.

I'd do anything I could to be 

ludicrously lazy, but I like the way

I turned out.

I just hope any potential

children I may father feel

the same way.

Making The Most Of My Lentils

When someone hands you a pile
of beans, you have to make the
most of your lentils.

You have to say,
"Hey, these are some nice legumes, I could use some more of these."

And then you have to take them.
Take the starch, the amino acids,
the vitamins. All of it.

You have to make them a supplement for yourself,
your life, your own fibers.

You have to hand pick 'em,
so you can take them one by one
and insert them into your face.

One day, awhile back, somebody handed me a whole satchel
of navy beans and I thought,
"Well, these are probably my least favorite beans.
They're not as steadfast as a kidney, not as cute as a
pinto, or a mung or a
cowpea."

I said, "Why don't you give these beans to
somebody else?"

"Someone different should have these beans!"
"Someone more deserving, with a palate
suited towards them! I don't want these beans!"

Now, all I do, is think about
what I missed that day.

90's Boy

If I were a super hero,
who would I be?
Well, I'd be 90's Boy of course!
I mean, who doesn't love the 90's?

90's Boy would be
the ultimate dispenser of justice,
I'd be like the Pez Dispenser of justice,
complete with:
"Ultra-Stomping High Tops,"
 a "Super-Faded Flat Top,"
some "Mega-Turbo Karate Chops,"
and maybe some
"Ordinary-Humble Flip Flops?"
I don't know, I'm might reconsider that last one.

Nevertheless,
90's Boy would be near unstoppable.

What powers would I possess?
Only the sheer ferocity of the 90's!

What's more the powerful than the ability
to live a politically incorrect life,
and one rich with
advertisement jingles
and Arnold Schwarzenegger
Christmas movies.

I'd be nigh-invincible
without the fear of
kidnappings, terrorists, carcinogens
and my enemies would tremble in fear
of my plaid vision.

Yes, 90's Boy would be quite
the omnipotent being but he wouldn't
be devoid of a fatal flaw.

No no, even the legendary Slug Woman had a
weakness and 90's Boy would be no different.

The stake to my heart wouldn't be
a high sodium diet though, it would simply
be the passage of time.

Trucking

When you're trucking, you never add an apostrophe in front of your "S".
I mean I never have at least, but it could be funny.

"Dan Savage: Lawn Repair"
could read more like
"Dan's Savage Lawn Repair"

And "Mike Stump's Grinding Garage?"
That's the funniest thing I've ever heard of.

When you're trucking, though, you never think of the apostrophe in front of your "S".
All I think about is the open road, coffee, and the stars.

Nature Guide

When your slamming down a back trail
on a crispy-crackling morning,
you have to take in all your surroundings,
you have to become one with the nature.

So let's start by
taking a deep breath,
good,
give me a "sharp inhale,"
good, that's good,
now your going to start
smelling something powerful;
you smell that?
That's the smell of raw nature.

So come on,
nothing to it now
but to do it proud
and loud...in a crowd...
nature crowd.

You feel the dirt?
That's real dirt.
You hear those birds?
Those are real birds!

Now let's take a swim.
What I want you to do,
is kiss the bottom
of this murky filthy scummy lake and come back
up all leech-ridden and glistening.
Cause you know what you'll be glistening in right?
Nature that's what! Good, that's good.

Now let's take a hike!
I want you to take these
wolf cubs I just found,
and climb that
mountain unscathed.
Then once you get to the top
I want you to bathe in the mountain
waters, because you're smelling pretty bad already.
Good, yeah that's good.

Now let's eat a north american beaver!
Yeah, that's right,
let's do it!

Come on, let's go!
Let's climb those trees with a spear in our hands,
because unless I'm mistaken, I don't think
it's quite north-american beaver
season yet, but it could be.

It definitely could be.

Ham Salad

My breath smells like ham salad
and I haven't even eaten ham salad.

I have ham salad for lunch, sure,
who doesn't? But it's 6:30 A.M.

You know who likes ham salad?
Everyone.
You know who likes smelling ham salad?
Nobody. It's gross.
It looks like brains, but it smells stupid,
like those smells you take the trash
out with.

Bad associations smell like ham salad,
ham salad wafts through nightmares
like guys with daggers.
Ham salad is the stuff Tim Curry
sold the movie "It" with
when he was promoting
"It" back when "It" was popular.

"Buy "It" on Lazer Disc,
get some free ham salad,"
that's what he said;

Ham Salad.